Going Home and going home

I can’t go further without thanking someone so dear to our family. Pastor Tommy Moore. We grew up in Carmel Assembly of God Church and raised our family there. There has never, in the history of the Church, been a pastor as caring and protective over his flock as Pastor Tom. Even when the family moves and has to change churches. Thank you Thomas Earl (my name for him), for being the brother-in-Christ that you are—and for loving our family as you do.

Around 10:00 p.m. on Monday night, after much singing, praying and praising the Lord, we sent my husband, Jeff; Aimee’s husband, Juno; and mother’s sweet husband, Grandbuddy (our name for him), to the motel to sleep. Promising to call them with changes. Our home church pastor Tommy Moore, stayed with us. He had driven Juno down after he preached on Sunday and remained by Mark’s side. Tommy and Wanda had graduated high school together and our families are very close.

The monitor numbers had not changed in any significant amount and we felt like it could possibly be days before she (Wanda) left us. Mother, Aimee and I, went around the corner to a little waiting room to pray and get a bit of shut eye. During which time we talked a bit privately, sharing our feelings, sharing some memories that were personal to us and sharing most importantly, that our faith remained in what God decided to do.

A woman that worked in the hospital came in to “play on the computer” and eat her ‘noisy’ snack of potato chips and very smelly burger. Now get this picture with me. The room is fairly large. Has a love seat, some chairs and a square coffee table. On one side there was a work table for patients to do crafts, and on the other side an organ. Books were along one wall for children with a locked cabinet for the craft supplies. The lights were off. We were talking in hushed tones, being the only ones in there, we were in a spiritual mode of resting. Not really able to sleep, but yet, we each arranged our tired bodies as best we could in the chairs, with legs dangling and our heads in odd positions, almost as a hat set askew on our heads, to try and sleep —if sleep would only come.

In our extremely exhausted state, everything was amplified. Every noise. Every click of the computer keys. Did I mention she had potato chips?? We toss. Crunch. We turn—if you can actually ‘turn’ in a chair—Crunch. We look at each other. Crunch. Click Click Click.

I have to be honest with you all here. I was mad. I wanted to scream. I wasn’t necessarily mad at the woman—well—sort of. But I was mad that things were winding up this way. CRUNCH. Mother looked at me. We all sort of took deep breathes. I am certain the woman with her back to us could FEEL the tension in the room. I wanted to scream at her—“Look lady—my sister is dying—right down the hall! COULD YOU PLEASE SHOW A BIT OF RESPECT HERE! COULD YA?” Yes, I wanted to …but no. I didn’t.

I got up several times and went back to the room. (If I didn’t—I would have probably laid that woman out flat.) The sounds in Wanda’s room–brought me back to reality. The sounds of her breathing. In. Out. The tears continually coming down Marks face as he sat there, wiping her mouth or forehead. She never knowing—he always loving. And Pastor Tom. He never left Mark or Wanda’s side. That’s reality. Living and dying. There are always distractions in life (like SweetPea Paula said this week) to get your focus off of what is going on. But we MUST keep our eyes and hearts focused on the bigger picture. WHAT IS GOD DOING in our lives and through the situation. Girls, no matter what it is—how difficult or easy—He has a plan in mind through it all.

Within an hour Tommy text-messaged us to come back. Her heart rate had dropped. But when we entered the room and began talking to one another—asking questions, her heart rate came right back up. We lingered, praying quietly and singing softly. After about another hour, Aimee and I went to the chapel and mother went back to the waiting room to try and sleep. (The noisy chip eater was gone–PTL). We had been in the chapel for about 30 minutes when we got a text from Tommy, come back. We went by and got mother and decided not to call the men yet. We felt they needed to sleep. And—probably—this would be the same thing. Watching the numbers go up and down.

Before we walked in, I took mother’s hand and said to her and Aimee, “let’s be real quiet this time–I think our talking is disturbing her”. So we entered and all knelt around the bed and laid our hands on Wanda. I took one hand, Aimee took the other. Mark had been loving on her sweet face and mother’s hand rested on her leg. We all began to quietly pray. For mercy. For grace. For peace. For the help we needed to let go.

As the tears fell, and we began to release her, I watched the numbers began to change. They started slowly dropping. We felt, more than saw, something spiritual taking place. It was as if a Presence had entered the room and was taking her lovingly by the hand.

As the heart line became straight, I felt in my spirit her take her leave. As a music conductor holds his wand for the high note to be reached, I felt her soar up off that bed and into His waiting arms. In one gentle sweeping motion of the Conductor’s Arm…she was gone. She was healed. She was breathing celestial air…without any help from any breathing apparatus. She was whole. For the first time in her life.

I remember Aimee telling me that as we were kneeling by Wanda’s bed, she glanced at mother, to make sure she was okay—the nurse-daughter instinct. She said that mother’s face held a look of pained intensity—as a woman does when she is pushing with all her might and body to give birth to the life trying so hard to get out. If you think about it in life giving terms—that’s what was happening. Wanda was leaving this shell—this mortal—for that immortal life. She was being birthed into the eternal. And mother was releasing her once again. The bodily fluids lost by mother this time though, were the rivers of tears falling to the bed.

When the nurses came in, in response to the alarm on the monitors, they turned off the alarm and were very tender toward us. They notified the doctor on call and he came quickly. Aimee and I had stepped out of the room briefly to call the sleeping men. We returned just as the doctor pronounced her “gone”. I don’t like the word dead. I didn’t use it then—and I don’t use it now. The dictionary defines “dead” as, no longer living; deprived of life…but she was living! She was FAR FROM DEPRIVED OF LIFE! It was a life that we can not even imagine!

As we stood in the room, waiting for our husbands, we all were praying. You will think this strange—but we were praising the Lord. I know that so many would find that so hard to believe! But God had given us an awesome gift! Wanda’s faith was incredible—and it spread over into our lives in such a wonderful way. As we were standing, with arms raised toward heaven, thanking the Almighty for the gift of mercy and grace—I felt mother touch my back, almost as if she was wanting to get closer. But when I opened my eyes, mother was further down to my left. The touch came from my right. Aimee was across the room on the other side of the bed. I turned around and no one was there. Maybe it was an angel. Maybe it was God’s gentle way of allowing Wanda to say goodbye. I felt His love. More than I can say.

A few hours later, we left the hospital to drive home. Home. What did it mean to me? Surely I would never look at anything the same. Jeff and I drove Mark’s car home. Pastor Tom drove Mark. I sat in the seat that Wanda had just a few days before. I leaned it all the way back to shield my face from passing cars. I wept quietly. As Jeff made a few phone calls, he wept openly. Hardly able to talk at times. That was my total undoing.

I am leaving this post as is. Only minor details were left out. I was glad she didn’t leave on the 11th, for that is Grandbuddy’s birthday. Nor on the 14th…for Mark always celebrated the sweetheart day with much grandeur. Those days needed to retain their good memories. But she left us right in the middle. On the 12th. God knows what is best for all His beloved children. Even when we can’t see His plan for the tears in our eyes…it’s still exists. We must keep trusting. Just as Wanda did. Although she didn’t know the “whys” —she trusted.

So do I.

Today, we leave for vacation. I have 3 more posts regarding this time last year. I will save them until I return. Next week is the 12th. Aimee and I will be together sharing memories of Wanda while we are on vacation. Mother is in Israel. God is working incredibly sweet blessings in Mark and Victoria’s life. They are doing very well. I thank you for all your prayers.

Just in case you are worried about our new baby Lucy—someone will be staying in our house and looking after her. She has been a fun blessing. Oh—maybe you don’t know about Lucy. Well—scroll down until you see the brown-eyed beautiful lab-mix.


About Angie Knight

On a journey with purpose, with my best friend and love of my life! View all posts by Angie Knight

15 responses to “Going Home and going home

  • Denise

    Death is but a shadow and it causes us no grief…… for we have passed from death unto life the very instant that we are born again…..So in actual fact we each are living in eternity….. We see life here through eyes that are dim… but the word tells us that one day we will see clearly…… Death has had it sting removed in the final breath of Christ…. so that we will never experience our final breath…….. We live and move here but one day when the eyes of our spirit see clearly we will know what life really is……… Wanda knows…….. She awaits the joy of you and the rest of her precious ones to know…….

  • Marsha

    The Beginning. Death is never the end. And if Wanda could speak to us right now she’d say something like, “Just you wait, Dear Ones! The BEST is yet to come!”I love you.

  • Denise

    I love you so very much dear one, what a blessed reunion it will be for you all one sweet day. There will be shouting all over heaven. You are being held close in my prayers.

  • ktwalden

    These memories you have shared are so beautiful and precious! Bless you and your family, my friend, as you travel and reminisce. I will pass along to you a saying that was given to me when my Granddaddy went home last year…<><>For death begins with life’s first breath,and life begins at touch of death.<><>

  • LisaShaw

    This is absolutely beautiful. I praised and sobbed with you. For in Christ there is NO death only LIFE — life everlasting.I love you and pray a wonderful time for you and your family while away under the wings of our Lord.

  • suki white

    angie just to let you know we love you all and will be praying for you all especially on the 12th. God bless you and Aimee foe sharing with us all. We all are so Blessed by our Heavenly father he loves us so much.enjoy your vacation.

  • Chris

    Angie,Thank you for sharing this time of Wanda’s flying to heaven. Your post made me cry. Poignant tears, but not bereft. She’s waiting for you all. And she’s not in any pain or discomfort.Oh, to change the subject…I’m SOOOO in love with little LUCY!

  • Gail W.

    Angie, my response was too long to post here. Stop by my place, “This Bud’s for You, Angie” to see my heart. I love you dearly, Sister.

  • Crown of Beauty

    Hi, I came over from Gail’s site. It is a privilege to be a part of your sister’s last moments here on earth. I can relate to everything you wrote. I just also very recently lost a dear husband, and the glory of his last moments on earth will always be on my heart. It is true, everything you wrote…the angels did come and hold your sister by the hand, and now she lives forevermore. Lidj

  • Sita

    Angie,Came by from Gail’s…may God’s comfort be yours…Blessings,Sita

  • Julie

    Dear friend, this was absolutely beautiful… You have painted a picture…of His beautiful heart on you in the midst of death…. Just stunning!!!It was a blessing to see you yesterday!Love ya!

  • lori

    you know I don’t have words…but AGAIN, I have to tell you that you’ve taught me more than you’ll ever know…watching you navigate through these waters has been an honor….friend….I’m here.love you!

  • elaine @ peace for the journey

    Thinking of you all this week. Thank you for sharing your memories with us, albeit bittersweet tears of remembrance.peace~elaine

  • Gail W.

    Thinking of all of you today.

  • Kathy S.

    Angie, wow! tears flowing, I write this having had my own week of grieving. The anniv of my brother's death is the 16th. 3 years. My sister wrote a note on her facebook, and it all came flooding back~the feelings, everything. I love your family being so together. I love your singing, and unity in your faith. What a gift!love & hugs,Kathy

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