Category Archives: Life

Sacrificing Normal

Exactly one month ago today, our lives changed.   If you had told me I would have experienced some of the emotions I have felt, I might have stared at you in slight disbelief.  No one prepared me for this feeling, the deluge of emotions that have encompassed my days.

I was talking with one of our girls last night and expressing some “slight mama worry”….and she said, “mama, give me back to Jesus and stop worrying”.

That’s the first thing you have to do when you step away from the altar of surrender, you must let go.  Let go of the “thought” that you have any control whatsoever of anything that happens at home.  Because you don’t.  Of course, I never had control anyway, but it sure is a nice thought to tuck around myself at bedtime.

This has been an especially difficult week simply because of that old enemy, “discouragement” when I don’t get it right.  On the upside, I was able to carry on a half decent short conversation with one of our uber drivers this week.  Surprised myself.

We have the absolute BEST profesoras here at Cincel.  They are patient and kind.  Correcting with a heart that wants you to “get it”.  I love that.  That’s just like the Lord.  He corrects us with a heart that wants us to “get it”….and release it to HIM.  This gift of being able to learn the language that will enable us to minister when we get to Bolivia is just that, a gift.  Not one to put up in a closet, but one to use daily…and I so bad want to get it and use it.

That’s our biggest prayer needs:  Strength to overcome the discouragement, and the ability to comprehend, hear the sounds, form the words, and get it right.  There have been several fighting various illnesses, from allergies, to viral issues, etc.  We need to all stay well!  Add that to the prayer list. 🙂

We’ve had a few friends contact us this week to encourage us and let us know they are praying–you have no idea how much that is appreciated!  That makes us not feel so separated from you.  YOU are so important to us.  YOU are part of this team–this mission team headed to Bolivia.  We thank you every time we go to the fresh market on Saturday’s.  It’s because of your support that we can get the things we do, and because of your support, God will enable us to GET THIS language and share His love with those who have yet to hear about His great love.

Jeff and I thank you.  Words cannot express it enough.  I had a friend contact me this week and said that the Lord had prompted her to double their giving.  Then her husband’s job situation changed somewhat.  But she continued to listen to the prompting of the Holy Spirit…friends, that message came to me on a day when my body was tired, my mind was aching from the discouragement of not getting “it” again in class that day and I was simply full of “what is HE doing with us…two old[er] folks in this place surrounded by young people and young families…. But HE called….and we raised our hands and said “yes”.

We felt a compelling with every single missionary message we heard.  We knew one day God was going to do something with us, but actually moving and serving ON the field never entered our minds.  Our work first started by giving.  We support several missionaries, and we are thankful to be a part of a mission work that we can’t actually “go see”, but we can help keep them on the field…reaching the lost.  And that is exactly what YOU are doing with each donation.

So thank you.  I cried the day we left and hugged our dear brother (from another mother), Floyd Aycock as he left us at the airport.  I felt like the last thread of my normalcy was leaving on that red truck.  But this is a new normal.  And the “normal” seems to change as it become necessary.

I suppose I didn’t pick up on the fact there would be so many “different” sacrifices.  I told a friend just tonight that one thing I missed (when she asked me what I missed) was the ability to hop in my car and go anywhere, anytime.  Independence.  I never heard a missionary talk about the sacrifice of their independence.  I heard them talk about lack of water, electricity, I heard them talk about parasites, and sickness, but not independence.  That one struck me.  I loved to get in my car and GO.

This week I looked up the word, Sacrifice.

Sacrifice:  the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim.

It hit me like a brick; the lost.  We must surrender the desired independence to learn the language to reach the lost.  Granted, I won’t have any more independence when we get to the field… but I will be able to converse with the people.

I want God to so fill us with the passion to learn this language that our thought processes are “on fire”, as one of my teachers said this week (when I got three in a row correct–blind miracle!).

Thank you all for praying–for keeping up with us, for sending us notes via email, instagram, linkedIn and facebook.  It has helped me so much.  I have read every one and read them to Jeff.  We are encouraged by your love and care.

Tomorrow is market day (Farmer’s Market) and I hope you will join us via instagram or facebook when we get to post our pictures!  We love you all!

 

© Angie Knight 2017.  All rights reserved.

sacrifice. Dictionary.com. Dictionary.com Unabridged. Random House, Inc. http://www.dictionary.com/browse/sacrifice (accessed: May 27, 2017).


The Cup of the Called

In reading this morning words from Oswald Chambers, I was struck by the purpose of them, let me see if you hear what I heard:

“In the natural life our ambitions alter as we develop; in the Christian life the goal is given at the beginning, the beginning and the end are the same… our Lord Himself.  We start with Christ and end with Him–“Until we all attain to the stature of the manhood of Christ Jesus”,  not to our idea of what the Christian life should be.  The aim of the missionary is to do God’s will, not to be useful, not to win heathen; he is useful and he does win the heathen, but that is not his aim.  His aim is to do the will of his Lord.”

This past Sunday as we stood in a church and sang a song that caused my heart to spill over…

Here are some of the lyrics (by Kari Jobe):  

The more I seek You…the more I find you…
The more I find You…the more I love You…. I wanna sit at Your feet drink from the cup in Your hand, lay back against You and breathe, feel Your heart beat.  This love is so deep it’s more than I can stand, I melt in Your peace, it’s overwhelming…”

As I stood there singing about the cup, the song describes, reminded me of the cup that Jesus asked to be taken from Him…if it could pass … but if not, He was willing to do the will of The Father.  Whatever it took from Him.  That cup would signify His willingly given life.  The cup didn’t take His life…He gave it.

The song, sung in many churches, by many youth and adults alike almost sounds like the cup is a nice cool drink of lemonade and the breeze is blowing through your hair as you lean back on the chest of your Savior.  The song is beautiful.  But that’s not how I hear the song anymore.  I hear it and taste it differently.

The cup is offered.  The calling of missionary life is held out as a sign board with the cup offered being the requisite to get there…. it’s bitter.  There’s no sweetness of the sugary lemonade inside.  Beyond the cup and the sign reading “drink me”, there are thousands of children, snotty noses, dirty faces, rotten teeth, bare feet, half clothed and hungry.  Hungry for more than food.  They hunger to know the One who they’ve never heard of before…the One who can set them free from the life of sin…a sin they may not be even aware they were born into–and behind them–their parents.  Clinging to their lives of whatever suits them- whatever gets them by to the next day.  Alcohol, drugs, abuse…whatever it may be.  See, they have the same issues we do in our country…yet they have very few who can tell them that there is a Better Way.  The Only Way.  Jesus.  The Way, The Truth and The Life.

We were beckoned.  We were called–for me it was as early as 2010.  I felt a stirring like none other experienced in life.  It was more than the “altar call” stirring, it was a complete surrendering call.  Seemed easy enough.  Then we started up the mountain.

I won’t bore you with the details of all the hoops we jumped through in the application process.  That was just a warm up for what was coming as God began to mold and shave off pieces of us that was unnecessary.  We both wanted Him to have us ALL.  Not just pieces–but we WANTED Jesus to come in and stir us and remake us into the usable vessels that would be of most use to Him–shining the light of Salvation into the darkness of the villages in Bolivia that had never heard the name of Christ.

We were well on our way, progress in our budget and monthly support was showing improvement.  Language school was just around the corner in January….then the cup.

The cup offered was bitter.  A surprise.  Unwanted–until I stopped and remembered these words of Oswald I had read years before (2010):  “The aim of the missionary is to do God’s will”

We don’t draw straws.  We can’t run into the “calling store” and choose the way it will go for us…because remember I said a month ago, this journey, it’s not all about us… 

So, with every taste of the bitter cup, I envision the mountain Jeff and I climbed in October, 2015 with Pastor Joel Morales, in an area that is darkened by the sin and life of sacrifices on worldly altars to pagan gods.   The darkness overwhelmed me so much that as I gulped for air to breathe while we climbed, my heart ached and wept for the lost souls there.  It was truly an overwhelming day and it literally took me a few days to get over the feeling of sadness and dark depravity that shrouded the mountain like the fog that held it captive.  But we climbed on.

The same with this.  I’ve been warned of the harshness of what goes in my body to kill even the most microscopic cancer cell that may be lingering–the cup is indeed bitter… but there are lives at stake….I must finish this cup to get to the next part of our journey.

Some people already think we are nuts…at our age.  But if your child, sister, brother, parent was about to hurl head long into the lake of fire and brimstone–wouldn’t you want someone, no matter their age, to come to help pull them out?  Me too.  We go so that others will know….and others will go.

Time is short.  If you aren’t being called to go, you are being called to send.  If you ignore either calling,….oh friend…

If you want to help us get there with a 100% budget, our link is: www.tinyurl.com/sendjeffandangie
We appreciate every single prayer and dollar.  EVERYTHING MATTERS.

Our most precious supporter is one young girl–a dear dear friend of mine from Sneads, Florida named Kaylee.  Giving all she has.  Her allowance each month.  She and her mom and sister brought me homemade banana bread yesterday and mighty powerful prayers.  With every bite of that bread I felt the prayers they surely prayed as they baked.  God will use every single person to win the lost–if we are willing.

Are you going to climb the mountain with me?  Are you taking the cup and joining the called?  Be a goer-or a sender.

[Sidenote:  we expect to be completed this treatment process by early next year and ready for language school by Spring sessions–pray with us that God performs more miracles than we can write about!]

© Angie Knight- The Knightly News. All rights reserved. Photographs unless otherwise noted are property of Angie Knight. All rights reserved.


Yard Sale Saturday!

We are having a HUGE Yard Sale Saturday!  We are doing our best to whittle away at the “things” in our lives and the new indebtedness as well (insurance is good–but deductibles are the pits).

After my first mission trip to Honduras in 2009 I came home and wanted to get rid of everything we owned–sell it all, move to a foreign country and help the people.  Of course, after a little while of being back home, I settled back into the life routine of shopping, eating, and living in our little Florida town.

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My new friend and sister in Christ, Kelyn

But then another mission trip–this one further away and to a war torn country: Cambodia.  The deal was sealed in my heart.  I just didn’t know where God would send us–but it was in those early years of 2009-2010, I actually began praying and giving Him full access to every corner of my heart and house.

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Floating Home in the Floating Village

What to keep, Lord?  What to give?  What to sell?

If you then were raised with Christ, desire those things which are above, where Christ sits at the right hand of God.  Set your affection on things above, not on things on earth.  Colossians 3:1-2 Modern English Version

The first instructions–get out of debt.  (If you are reading this today–this is good advice for just living here!)  I began to “not want” things, and long for the Holy Spirit to so infill and empower me that nothing else could hold a candle to what I desired from God.  And I soaked.  In the word.  Through listening to the Bible being read while I drove, to worship songs, to teaching and just enjoying everything He offered daily.

Well, here we are (I left much out for a later conversation), getting ready to serve Him in Bolivia (Santa Cruz area), and we are on the healing side of my recent encounter with breast cancer.  Going through the process of the healing can feel like I’m spinning my wheels- if I didn’t know without a doubt that HE was doing something far greater than our eyes could see or our minds comprehend.  He’s working all things for our good…and we will arrive in Bolivia at HIS designated time, not ours.  And with the prayers and financial support of those who God has already set aside to be PART of this soul-saving-life-changing journey! (www.tinyurl.com/sendjeffandangie)

So, once these treatments are BEHIND us–we shall continue the packing UP!

For this week, we are SELLING EVERY-SINGLE-THING we don’t need to keep living here! So! if you are interested, be at our house Saturday morning at 7:00 am! 🙂

We are blessed with amazing family who are in charge of the event! PRAY for SUNSHINE! 🙂

We look forward to seeing you here!

 


Be on the LOOKOUT

DSC_0009editedFrom the time the first words were spoken– I was on the lookout.  I’ve been given bad news before–and truthfully, I think my mind was sort of in shock with this.  Cancer.  This was not what I was looking for–and not part of our plan.  I totally was not expecting what my doctor just said…but I was on the lookout for what God was about to do.

Recently I pulled my prayer journal out one morning and let my fingers and eyes trace back all the places in Scripture God had been leading me and all the whispers in the night that He had revealed.  There was a distinct line…it was written seemingly in a dot-to-dot,

“be on the lookout”….

God had been preparing me–even a year ago.  No, I didn’t feel the lump a year ago, but I felt and heard from my heavenly Father.  We had been praying and seeking God about the mission field….we were still waiting on an answer.  Tears come quick to my eyes as I re-read the words that the Holy Spirit spoke to me over the course of about a week in the month of August, 2015 (that’s why I always encourage people, KEEP A PRAYER JOURNAL!).

I shake my head right now, in disbelief, NOT in what He’s doing–but in the incredibility of how He does things…it AMAZES me.

I don’t feel at liberty to share all the things He said in my private prayer time with you right now, except for this:  “Expect the Amazing.”

Maybe one day He will release me to tell you the full story of what He was doing–for now, I continue to keep track of His steps, trace His fingerprint in our lives and praise Him all along this mission journey.

Let me update you quick in case you are wondering about my health and progress.  Diagnosed with breast cancer on August 2, 2016.   Cancer was removed August 5, 2016 by way of lumpectomy and partial mastectomy.  Pathology report a week later revealed–the mass was self-contained, the margins CLEAN and lymph nodes CLEAR.  I will have 5 days of radiation and then pack for Bolivia! (Kidding on the last part, I have been slowly getting ready for a MASSIVE yard sale in September THEN we will be looking at getting some trunks and packing.

We have been blessed with amazing family and friends who have encouraged us, fed us, and liberally prayed for us.  Thank you.  For every cookie crumb and slice of ham!  We need to be on a diet today!

We are still planning to leave by January 1 since language school begins January 4th.  BUT, all final decisions are God’s…and I completely trust and wait on His timing.  There are new expenses to work through, but honestly, we both truly believe God will somehow –someway, get us through all of that–in order to get us there.  Two words God has told me over and over–for over a year–through every single road block:  “Trust Me.”

Can I ask you something?  Do you trust Him?  This is one of the passages I have continually been led to over and over while on this journey–not the cancer journey, the mission journey.

Our soul waits for the Lord;
He is our help and our shield.
For our heart shall rejoice in Him,
Because we have trusted in His holy name.
Let Your mercy, O Lord, be upon us,
Just as we hope in You.  Psalm 33:20-22 NKJV

Jeff and I don’t have all the answers, but if you are believing God for something bigger than you can even put down on paper, or even whisper in the dark, can I lean towards you this afternoon and tell you, He’s trustworthy….

No matter what happens tomorrow, or next week, next month or even next year, my soul rejoices in God alone. He is my hope-my salvation comes from God and the gift of eternal life through His only Son, Jesus Christ.

And I, for one, am on the look-out for the next miraculous thing He has up His sleeve….

What about you?

 

© Angie Knight 2016.  All rights reserved.

Photography  © Angie Knight 2016.  All rights reserved.

 

 


More News

Dear friends,

First thank you for praying SO faithfully for my surgery.  If you follow my blog, you know by now that I had a life changing diagnosis of breast cancer (ductal invasive carcinoma) on Tuesday, August 2, 2016.

God has been right beside me every step of the way.  Surgery was the 5th to remove the mass and biopsy lymph nodes.  They said at the time of surgery, it was self-contained.  GREAT NEWS!  They wound up doing a lumpectomy along with a partial mastectomy.  Yeah–I cried too.  If you see me out and about, I would love a gentle hug! I’ve had so many praying –I believe God has GREAT things ahead as we continue forward!

The good thing in all of this is that it was caught early–and as I am one to put things off to the LAST MINUTE, God gifted me with a lot of pain in the mass.  This is not normal I am told.  I was told by several in the medical field that growing cancers are usually not found due to pain.  But mine hurt like crazy–almost continually.  It was a gift.  It kept me from putting it off any longer.

Pathology results aren’t in yet…but other details and news can be found on our other blog–

Please visit:  jeffandangieknight.com

Bookmark the page so that you can keep up with what GOD is doing!  And remember to pray for us as we continue to prepare for our mission field in Bolivia!

© Angie Knight- The Knightly News. All rights reserved. Photographs unless otherwise noted are property of Angie Knight. All rights reserved.


Getting Results

2012-02-26 mother daughter retreat feb 2012 008Good morning!  It is raining again in the sunshine state–but that’s okay.  I know some areas have had their fill–but it’s been so dry here at the house, everything was getting crunchy.

First-let me share the awesomeness of our God!  I got my drain tube out yesterday! HALLELUJAH!  You probably heard me shout from Dothan – (naw- I didn’t do that) – but I was so relieved- I just KNEW I would go back to sleeping like normal!  But that didn’t happen.  Still propped up and only sleeping bits and pieces every night–but hey– it’s a good time to read the Bible on my phone, or talk to the AUTHOR….of course, if you are a pinterest follower, you will see that I do a bit of pintresting –you know, for when I am 100% and getting ready to move to Bolivia!

The ARNP that saw us was amazed at the progress– she would ask me questions– then look at Jeff as if to confirm I was telling the truth! HA! Imagine that.  She unbandaged, complemented my nurse/daughter, April on the good job she did- and examined the incisions. The one for the tube was the most painful, but I guessed that was normal….but then I don’t think it was.  She asked me about my meds, pain levels, and she did a double take when I told her I had stopped taking the pain meds a few days prior.  WHAT?  She didn’t say it LOUD like that implies, but she stopped writing and turned around and looked at me.

Every question she asked, I could tell she didn’t believe my answer…she kept saying, “are you telling me the truth?” HA! Of course I am!  I repeatedly told her– “THIS WAS ALL GOD!”  and that I had had LOTS of prayers going up!  To break that down, I took only 2 days of pain meds.  I am not bragging on me–I AM BRAGGING ON GOD!

When YOU prayed for me–didn’t YOU EXPECT RESULTS??

Well friends, YOU GOT RESULTS!!

The pathology report is not in yet, but honestly I expect to hear GOOD things.  They said initially I would have 5 days of radiation–I don’t expect it to be any more than that.  She even reiterated what the surgeon had said in the beginning, “you should have no trouble meeting your deadline to leave for the mission field”.

Before you think I’m all that and a bag of chipsstop right there.  I voiced my concerns (worries) to Jeff that morning– I was afraid I would pass out when they took out the drain.  I could feel it in me and I am not a nurse–nor do I like anything to do with medical stuff.  he assured me I’d be fine–and I know that as he went about his day–he prayed.  I didn’t pass out.

I deal with the same worries -(probably) anyone else does, I just follow a rule–I hand it over to Jesus.  I learned that a LONG time ago.  I don’t do a Scarlett O’Hara, you remember the statement, “I’ll worry about that tomorrow”….

I hand it off to the Team Leader to handle.  HE CAN.

Elaine Olsen’s book has been such a powerful instrument in keeping my mind geared right.  Letting God use this to do things in my life that I need.  If He allowed it, He is going to USE IT.  Can you keep that in mind the next catastrophe that strikes your heart/home/life/family?  If He allowed it…He will work it for YOUR good…and for HIS GLORY… If you keep your faith and trust in HIM.

I will not kid you and tell you it will be easy.  Likely, it won’t.  It will be a hard lesson to learn, a high mountain to climb, or deep water to wade….BUT, He will take us through it!

Let me share with you what I read this morning–God has been taking me to different strengthening passages:

“This is what the LORD says:  Cursed is the man who trusts in mankind, who makes human flesh his strength and turns his heart from the LORD.  He will be like a juniper in the Arabah; he cannot see when good comes but dwells in the parched places in the wilderness, in a salt land where no one lives.  

Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence indeed is in the LORD.  He will be like a tree planted by water:  it sends its roots out toward a stream, it doesn’t fear when heat comes, and its foliage remains green.  It will not worry in a year of drought or cease producing fruit. Jeremiah 17:5-8 HSCB

God has opened my eyes and heart in a way that I might otherwise have missed.  I could break that passage down and share with you what it does in my heart–but I won’t for blog lengths sake.    God has brought us to this place–and I can guarantee you–HE will see us through it!  We have ministry to do.

Another cool thing that happened yesterday in the doctor’s office, the ARNP wanted to know how SHE could get involved in our mission!  Well, of course I DID NOT have a single prayer card on me–but next visit I will be PREPARED!  (Side note:  if we had every single contribution from every single person who said they “wanted to be in on what God’s doing”, we could be 100% at this point….but people tend to get excited then forget.  My prayer today is, LORD, remind those who YOU have purposed to help us get there.  The devil wants us to think it will be harder–medical expenses now added on to the normal stuff, but you know what?  God is in charge. And it’s exciting to watch Him work His wonders.)

Friends….GOD IS FAITHFUL.  If you don’t know Him, or don’t have the relationship you wish you had, it’s easy to change right now.  Simply tell Him you want Him in  your life.  That you recognize your NEED for a Savior and that you believe that His only Son, Jesus Christ was sent to this world -as a ransom to pay for our sins.  Jesus is ready right now to accept you as His beloved.  He wants to come in and have a relationship with you–  He wants to restore your joy!  Talk to Him as if He were right there….HE IS.

Can I pray for you?

Father, right now I come to you on behalf of this reader.  I have no clue who they are or where they are right now, but YOU do.  You know every intimate detail of our lives and the longings we have inside for more of You.  LORD, I ask that you would draw Dear Reader close to You, speak into their hearts/minds and let them know that You have a purpose and plan for their lives… Receive glory LORD for everything in our lives– help us live in such a way that YOU are seen, and not us.  Bless them today and allow them to see something special–from Your heart to theirs….in Jesus’ most holy name I pray, Amen.

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Interested in missions? In helping?  Go here:  www.tinyurl.com/sendjeffandangie, then simply scroll down to find the “commitment” or “give now”.  Thank you in advance if God so leads you.  No worries if you don’t feel so led or inclined.  He has a plan.  And He’s working it.

© Angie Knight 2016.  All rights reserved.


Christmas Day Excitement

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Friday morning seemed to take f-o-r-e-v-e-r   to get here.  Really.  It was not that anticipatory excitement of Christmas presents “forever”…more of the wisdom teeth cut out “forever”.  Except, not exactly wisdom teeth.

For a couple of days, I had texted with two dear friends, one who is currently undergoing radiation for the same type of breast cancer, and one who had walked this road and found peace in the storm a few years ago.  It’s her book, Beyond the Scars,  and  her words that have encouraged me to keep talking.  I suppose–I would talk either way.  One way would be in my filled up prayer journal- only a few pages left–or the other way would be here–out in the wide open spaces of the world wide web.  I can’t let things harbor, sit and fester–I have to let things go.

The initial check in began quicker than I thought- it was later that the waiting nearly drove me nuts.  Our daughters, Tiffany and April had spent the night with us the night before–neither one slept.  They were nervous–anxious.  I had been covered by the peace of God that truly passes all understanding.  I had more than a handful of prayer warriors in their war rooms on my behalf.  I actually slept pretty good.  I laid down–God wrapped me up–and I drifted off–waking only at the usual times during the night when someone my age wakes up.

Once we were taken to a room, I was handed a precious looking gown to wear for the duration of my visit.  If you know me at all–you know I’m kidding.  I was still calm.  Fairly.  The nurse came by and welcomed me–told me what was going to be happening–that someone would come get me and take me somewhere and leave me and then someone else would pick me up and take me somewhere else and leave me then someone else would come pick me up and….. No.  They forgot that part.  I’m not upset–I just thought it might have been nice to mention the times I would spend alone in a hall and empty waiting area.  That actually sounded like a dream didn’t it?

Well, it did kind of happen that way–it was standard procedure I am certain–every single detail of the day worked like a well oiled machine–I could tell they had LOTS of practice at this. And this hospital and staff were awesome.   I told you that part to let you know what God did:

Before we arrived at this day, a friend sent me a facebook message.  Shortened down, it said this:  You are My daughter–I will be with you.

It did say a few more things–but the point I needed to know…He was my heavenly Father–and HE wasn’t going anywhere.  At anytime.

On the way to the hospital God did this:

A dear pastor/friend send me a text message:  “I’m praying for you.  Isaiah 43:1-2”.

…“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by your name;
You are Mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
Nor shall the flame scorch you. (NKJV emphasis mine)

Do you see what God did there–in both cases?  Told me the same thing…I was HIS…and He’s not leaving my side.

When the first nurse wheeled me out to another floor-in another area to have a wire inserted (yes, gasp!) in the mass, and an ultrasound, and then radioactive dye shot IN (yes, please gasp again!), she was very kind and when she told me in advance, “this will hurt -but he will be as quick as possible”, I thought at least she gave me warning– I clinched my eyes shut, but then she said, “you can hold my hand if you want to”….uhm, YES please–hold my hand.

I grasped her right hand and thought of His Words that He would never leave me nor forsake me….

‘You are My servant,
I have chosen you and have not cast you away:
Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’  Isaiah 41:9(b)-10 NKJV

With my family in another part of the hospital, I was longing for my husband’s hand to hold.  His hand had always brought me security–and peace–and I had relied on His strength for 34 years.  But God was reminding me of something I knew, but perhaps had packed it up already for the mission field…It has always been God’s hands that has held us BOTH in all our times of struggles in life.  No matter what the struggles have been –it’s been HIM.

Once the doctor and nurse had finished wiring me up, making me a little radioactive, I was wheeled off to another area of the hospital and left outside in an empty waiting area–in a dimly lit hallway.  I suppose it was to make it more private and intimate feeling–I do think it did help.  At least I didn’t feel quite so exposed out there alone…but I did feel alone…but just briefly.  It was in that brief minute of feeling alone–that I felt God wrap me up.  Tears rolled from my eyes as Fear tried his best to come in the room, but God in all His power and glory showed him the door.  The next nurse came out and got me, ushered me gently in and did a new mammogram for the surgeon.

Once she finished up, she took me back to my room–where apparently a party was going on while my brother-in-law was telling the family some funny story.

With the larger portion of the family in the waiting room it was just my girls and darling man– April helped me in the bathroom and I collapsed on her in tears.  I think the reserve from the past months of wondering had just exploded.  I don’t know what happened–or how.  Her skills as a nurse had not stopped kicking in–she is one amazing nurse.  If you ever need a nursing home–you would be wise to move to Florida and find the one she works at–for real.

As I sat down, a memory from when she was a little bitty girl, dressed in ruffles, bows and lace came racing back to my mind.  A church bathroom–she needed to potty.  I held her dress and the bow in back so that it wouldn’t fall, handed her tissue- and helped her grow up to become the woman she is today.  I remember all the bathroom trips at church and anywhere else where she learned how to do things on her on–but until she was ready…mom was right there.  I did that for both my baby girls.  When that image of her in blonde curls and ruffly dress appeared in my movie-mind–I cried all the harder.  Time had reversed and here she was in a tiny bathroom stall with her over 50 year old mama, holding the hospital gown and handing me tissue.

God is so good.  I cannot tell you that enough.

I don’t like to cry.  I will hold it in as long as possible.  Elaine Olsen told me to cry.  Let it out.  It needs release, it is cleansing.   So, since coming home, I’ve done that a couple of times, both after dressing changes. Lest  you think I’m super-woman, let me assure you–ask Jeff or April–or Tiffany.  They will tell you  I’m not super woman.  I cried uncontrollably during and after my first shower-   Although the shower didn’t hurt –my heart ached in a place I had never experienced before.

It’s very humbling to need someone to help you with your shower.  It’s very healing too though.  I see that this morning.  Tiffany reminded me of the showers I helped her with –after all her babies.  I never thought twice–she was my baby, thus I help my child.  I am sure she, nor April never think twice.  I am their mama.  I think at some point we have to remember to let people help.  But that is so hard at times.

I think God deals with that side of us often.  We are inept at dealing with some of our issues, and HE is standing at the ready–yet we don’t ask Him.

Didn’t He tell us time and time again that He would “be there” for us?  Never leaving us….

It’s in times like these when He really shows us the truth of His Word–it’s in times like this week, I lean back against Him and feel the Presence of a Holy, Sovereign God take over.

I woke up in the wee morning hours on Monday and came to the living room to see and hear from God.   I actually had a question that I wanted to ask–but when my feet hit the cool floor of the wood in the dark, something made me change my mind.  I wasn’t going to ask any questions.  Instead, I would just listen and see what He said.

I don’t know if you have just looked at the screen in disbelief, as if the God of the universe would actually take time to say something–anything–to a nothing-of-a-woman like me, but He did.  He does.  Often.

With my unsaid question –not hanging in the air– He said this:

“I’ve been preparing you”.

I am a bit taken aback at this — THIS?  Cancer?  This disfigurement in the mirror?

This.

Everything.  I’ve been preparing you.

Today, I want to tell you–whatever is going on in your life–God is RIGHT there–He will never leave you–

If you say, “I can’t SEE HIM”, you aren’t looking close enough.  I promise He’s there.  ASK Him to show up–He will.  Ask Him to speak….HE will.

Often we aren’t quiet enough or still enough.  We want to do our own thing and we want God to work AROUND our agenda.  Hmmm…. I hope you know by now He doesn’t do that?

When I sat in the wheelchair alone in the hall…HE was there.   I might would have rathered He show up with me on a picnic–and hike–but this empty dimly lit hallway was where I was that morning–and I needed Him then.  He showed up.  I felt Him as the tears rolled–I felt Him push fear back and send in the Holy Spirit to bring peace and comfort.

Friend–He will do the same thing for you.  All you have to do is ask–expect–believe.  Move on with God and don’t give Fear your forwarding address.  If you do….I have to say, you must be a glutton for punishment.  Where the Spirit of the LORD is…there is freedom and PEACE–and Fear cannot be in the same room where God is….

Tomorrow-the tube comes OUT (PTL) and the next phase will be laid out.  Thank you in advance for praying and believing with us–Bolivia is waiting.  The people are waiting… and my eyes are focused on my healing and being able to complete the mission He assigned…with GREAT anticipation!

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© Angie Knight 2016.  All rights reserved.  Photographs © Angie Knight.  All rights reserved.