Wow. That is a word I use a LOT. It lends itself to describe my feelings on a lot of things…from the good to the bad…even to the ugly. It depicts my astonishment over many things… It’s what I wanted to say when my doctor looked at me in a sort of nervous way- and said the words “cancer” quickly, as if to get them out there in the open air–might relieve some of the stress she was feeling.
Her first words, “Well, I don’t have good news for you” hung suspended and I wanted to hit the rewind button and back track and maybe even have a re-do of the past few days events. But that wasn’t happening. It was there. The test run- the mammogram and the ultrasound with the biopsy all told the facts of what was under the skin of me…but just so far. It couldn’t get to the heart of me… that’s for God to see.
I sat on the back porch, ignored the obvious humidity and heat and drank my coffee at the beginning of last week and I felt a weariness and dread come over me–it knocked me backwards in my spirit. A few months before I had discovered what could be a life altering lump. I followed all the routine and advised things- and it went from “we see it”–to “it’s shrinking, must be a cyst”. But then things changed. And last week Fear sat on my porch–had the stinking audacity to do so with my Bible right in my lap! And Fear whispered all the nasty stuff in my head….All the what-ifs played out in my mind.
What if you have cancer?
What if you can’t get to the mission field?
What if this is it?
What if you …….?
I cried. Admittedly that was a bad day–an emotional day. A break-down day. A day when I didn’t want to see anyone… but I had my Bible in my lap and it was open to the Psalms… I had been doing a lot of journaling from the Psalms…and praying.
“God is our refuge and strength, a helper who is always found in times of trouble. Therefore we will not be afraid, though the earth trembles and the mountains topple into the depths of the seas, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with its turmoil…” Psalm 46:1-3
“When I am afraid, I will trust in You, In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not fear.” Psalm 56:3-4
Then I reminded myself (do you ever have to remind yourself of things?), I reminded myself WHOSE I was. What HE had told me–and that HE had set our course–it was not something I designed and picked out…it was ALL Him, baby! And if He went to the trouble to set so many things up– HE had a plan to use this.
My baby girl and my sister both said they had asked God to give it to them. I reminded them, God doesn’t “give” cancer. God gives good gifts.
If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him! Matthew 7:11
BUT, God will take the things that happen in our lives and work them for our good–or someone else’s. It may not be about us…granted it may be happening to us or in our lives, but it may not be about us. He will strengthen us–and help us–but it may be for someone else all together.
I know you want to say, “do you mean God will allow someone to go through something tragic just for someone else?” Remember Jesus?
Don’t think for one second that I have it all figured out and that I’m totally good with it all. I’m not. I don’t have it figured out and honestly, I am afraid of what Friday will be like, and the disfigurement that comes with breast cancer….and the pain. No, I’m not good with it–but I’m good with my Father–and I know HE has me in His hand and I’ve never left His sight…nor will I.
God has given me His Holy Spirit in advance…so that in times like these….His Presence never leaves me…ever.
I cling to this–HIS Word is true and He is faithful-throughout all generations. His faithfulness didn’t end when my God-fearing, Bible reading- church going grandparents passed away. His mercy is brand new every morning–and He is faithful to see and care for His children…of which I am one of.
Be gracious to me, God, be gracious to me, for I take refuge in You. I will seek refuge in the shadow of Your wings until danger passes. I call to God Most High, to God who fulfills His purpose for me. Psalm 57:1-2 [emphasis mine]
I don’t have all the answers. Honestly, I couldn’t sleep. And I had been rolling it around in my head for 48 hours–how I would even say this. But it’s said now.
If you are a mission supporter for us–Jeff and I want you to believe with us that we WILL be on the field at the time God has already picked out and the time we’ve had on our hearts. We are still believing for our budget to be 100% by December of THIS year. Whoa! Did you just do a doubletake? I believe God can do anything. I believe this is a curve in the road and that up ahead is a victory none like we’ve ever experienced. We kindly ask that the mission supporters keep supporting… be a part of what God is going to do through your hands and our lives–in Bolivia! Don’t stop just because we can’t see what’s next…HE CAN!
You do know that the enemy will pull all sorts of stunts to keep the Gospel from getting out there… and he’ll stop at nothing–so that means we’ve got to be more determined than ever before. We must be ever diligent about fully giving ourselves to Him–even if we have to do it every-single-day. All over again. At every obstacle…and around every curve in the road.
© Angie Knight 2016. All rights reserved.