TRUST: (2) Confident expectation of something; hope. (According to dictionary.com)
We like plans and programs. The tangible–the touchable–real or actual, rather than imaginary or visionary.
Trust is something we can’t see–we must rely on Who is invisible. We expect Him to be on time–every time–IN OUR TIME.
We like to orchestrate the events of our lives ourselves, not wanting to depend too much on someone else–having our own ideas and thoughts–and desiring “our” plans to be the plans to succeed!
That kind of trusting is not the REAL trusting sort that God has in mind for His own. I learned this lesson…as most all lessons…the hard way.
After Wanda passed away in February of 2008, God began to realign my faith. Securing it with strength and force that the winds of doubt could not disturb it’s foundations.
I began to allow Him to show me “me” with a fresh look–one that saw through everything. I saw all the things in my life that I had allowed to consume me. Things that were actually “draining” on my faith. Can you feel the pain that was involved in this? Yes it hurt to see the me I had allowed myself to become.
Up to this point, I could tell you more about CSI, Bones, or House than I could Abraham, Isaac or Jacob. The secular books on my shelves outnumbered the faith inspired testimonies of others. The catchy tunes on the radio reverberated their life stealing voices in my head all day long–those were the voices of the stagnant life following after selfish flesh.
I was sick of being as the song says, “Stirred but not changed”. I want to share the lyrics with you by Lanny Wolfe. (I could not find it on YouTube but found the lyrics on another blogger site!) The song is found at the bottom of this post. But that was me—tired of being stirred in my heart for a bit—but then the reality of dishes and laundry and I soon forgot the soul stirring Wind that had passed my way. Until “that” day.
That day I drove home–(just a few weeks after Wanda’s passing)–after work and talked to Jesus the whole way home. I wanted more of Him in my life. Active. I repented for not being as dedicated as I knew I should be. I repented for having conversations with Him only when I had a need or a burden. He desired a daily conversation–He desired that I would KNOW HIM. And through knowing Him–that I would make Him known. That’s the mission statement of our home church, “To Know Him~To Make Him Known”.
I had given my life to God when I was a teenager. Made mistakes—scraped my knees—laid my life for Christ on a back burner—and then fell on my face before Him years later. Fully giving Him all I had. Trouble is, the troubles of life sometimes cause us to be consumed with us. That was at least my trouble at times.
See, I like to fix things. As a matter of fact, I’d rather fix it myself than ask someone else. That too was my trouble. Jesus Christ came so that we might have life–and have it more abundantly—and He wants to be the FIXER in our life troubles. He wants us to TRUST Him enough to give it all up to Him. Since “human beings” had let me down…that was an area I have had trouble with.
On the day that became “that day” in my heart–I remember coming in the door, meeting Jeff in the living room, standing in front of him and stating, very matter-of-factly, “My life is about to take on some major changes. I cannot be as I have been and grow in God. I cannot live as I have lived and grow in God. And growing in God–and being used of Him is of utmost importance in my life.”
I don’t really know what I expected—but Jeff’s life didn’t change right then, and it was hard sometimes to not sit with him night after night watching TV when I had always spent my “down-time” doing just that—you know—to “relax and unwind”. Who are we kidding? We are really filling our minds with things that hinder the growth of God in our lives! (I’m very serious–and you might not like it, and you might not come back here–but I may as well tell you how it is with me.)
I won’t say that I never watch TV. I do–just not a steady diet. I guard myself–my mind, my heart–because I know exactly where the devil attacks my mind. And with what. I remember feeling in my heart a message God was trying to get through to me. “There are things to extract from your life in order for your faith to fully grow.” The extractions came, it seemed without Novocain. Some are still taking place. Again, without Novocain.
So—I began. Coming before Him–allowing Him to extract–remove–replace. Seeking Him diligently, not knowing the full journey–but the churning and burning in my spirit would not leave.
In the fall-winter of 2009 the urgency picked up speed. I went to Jeff one day after work and told him that I felt God was releasing me from my job. Changing the path I was currently on was a major shift in my financial, emotional and spiritual walk. Not necessarily in that order. This was the longest prayed over decision of my entire life. I sought God daily–fasted and prayed. It was during my first fast of 5 days in January that I felt God answer the 3 questions I had posed to Him—for direction-clarity-and faith. You also need to know that before that fast in January–God gave me a serious message.
I need to back up just a bit and give you that message. I shared it when I spoke on Mother’s Day and I have shared it with a few others individually. In November, early one morning–in the first few days of the month, as I was showering before work, I was having a conversation in my head with God. It went something like this. Well–actually, it went “exactly like this”.
“Father, if I leave my job in the first week of January, then I will be able to receive the pension plan portion that the firm puts into the account each year.” (I completely forgot that they had cancelled the pension plan that very year!) And I can draw out what I have and pay off this bill, and this bill and this bill.” There. I paused in my “mind-prayer” as I was shampooing my hair–and God spoke to the core of my heart.
“Angie. If you’ve got it all figured out–what do you need Me for?”
At this point, I was done shampooing/rinsing and was squalling like a baby. I felt the instant hit in my heart from “my plans”–and that fact that I was doing the planning and had not fully given it all up to Him. I fell out of the shower and onto my face before Him. Grabbing my robe around me, I began to weep and pray and talk to God out loud as I circled the living room–repenting of my “planning” His direction and call on my life. When He’s calling the shots in your life—He allows no suggestions from the side lines. Either you trust Him all the way or you don’t. There is no middle ground.
I was late for work that day–for I had to get myself prayed through over what I had thought in my heart. I left the entire planning up to Him. That is exactly why the leaving my job didn’t take place until March. But He knew when it would be all along. He just wanted me to TRUST Him. Can I tell you I learned a lesson that day? Again, the hard way.
And now—for the song–if you call me on the phone, I will sing it to you:
“Often times my heart has been stirred by the things that I have heard,
’bout so many who have never heard God’s word,
and though tears would fill my eyes all to soon I’d realize
though my hearts been stirred my life has not been changed.
I’m so tired of being stirred about the lost who need to hear.
I’m so tired of being stirred that His coming is so near;
I’m so tired of being stirred till I cry bitter tears.
I’m so tired of being stirred but not being changed.”
Have I heard it for so long that He’s just another song?
Has the story lost its thrill that I once knew?
Lord, give me a burden that’s so strong,
That it will last when my tears are gone.
I’m tired of what I’ve been. Lord, make me over again.
I’m so tired of being stirred about the lost who need to hear.
I’m so tired of being stirred that His coming is so near;
I’m so tired of being stirred till I cry bitter tears.
I’m so tired of being stirred but not being changed.”
But this time Lord change me let the work begin just now,
this time Lord change me please change me some how,
this time Lord change me let my life be rearranged,
I’m so tired of being stirred but not being changed.”
I sang this to Him this week.
© The Knightly News 2007-2010
Jeff & Angie 